The 51st State

Amid all the gay marriage, Obama-winning, pot-legalizing, Elizabeth Warrening, you may have missed that Puerto Rico, for the first time ever, voted for statehood.

In previous elections, the PR people have been like “nah mang all good”.

Incidentally, that’s a quote from mi hombre at the bar, so don’t get all up in arms. We were having a lively discussion.

While there have been some interesting flag starfield revisions (this one is my favorite:)

and some interesting observations (like a 51st state would truly make the United States indivisible, even if a little lacking in liberty and justice for all), our conversation centered on keeping the total number of states at 50. One camp just felt like 50 was a nice, round, lovely number and besides, the flag is juuuuuuust right. The other felt the prime number thing would be wicked and an extra middle finger to the metric system.

The argument was won when the discussion segued into which states could be combined to make room for Puerto Rico’s star.

I kind of like the idea of combining North and South Dakota, and just calling them “Dakota”. They don’t have a lot of population anyway. Small congressional delegation. Both Republican. Plus, “Dakotan Reunification Campaign” has an awesome ring to it. And how many years would it take for the news to get there? Like a million.

The bartender pointed out that Puerto Rico would probably come in Blue, which means Republicans would be all pissed at the net loss of Senators. By the way, this is why residents of the District of Columbia are denied voting representation in the House. Republicans want an additional vote someplace safe like Utah. “Keeping the Balance” is more important than making sure everyone is represented, so ironically, in our own capital, we have “Taxation Without Representation”, which is one of the main reasons the colonies gave King George the middle digit in the first place. True story.

So anyway, I was like “well you can’t just merge the Carolinas. Too disruptive, too many people.” And we dismissed the idea of a reunited Virginia, too, mostly because there is no East Virginia so it would really seem like we were just being mean to West Virginia.

One of our number, a former resident of the deep south, suggested Missibama, on the grounds that no one would care or even be able to spell it. This was rejected because  a) that’s kind of mean and   b) can you imagine the havoc for college footbawl?

Finally we came up with the perfect solution: finally acknowledge the similarity of accents in Jersey and Long Island and just combine New York and New Jersey. Sure, people in Manhattan would be horrified, but who gives a rat’s butt? But what to call it?

New Yersey?

New Jeryork?

New Jerk?

NEW JERK.

 

“Yeah mang dat’s da bomb, bro.”

Settled.

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About ernestwhile

I live in New York City. I built a world of Lego bricks, colorful and simple and foreign. I've been picking it apart ever since.
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